I ger critised for it being clumsy and not flowing
This is from my essay on a beauty and aromatherapy course
"May possibly look at the use of complementary practises as they have been shown to be beneficial in assisting the reduction of stress students from the local college have expressed an interest in practising aromatherapy massage on volunteers to gain experience for themselves surely this is a win win scenario and such co ordination would come with in the remit of the post. Complementary alternative therapies are rarely regarded as having a role in therapeutic healthcare environments but, as people become exposed to them, they may regard them as beneficial to their wellbeing and so on are resulting in increased health " This is part of a 2500 word essay
Please can I have help in writing style
Your sentence structure isn’t consistent, and you use to many qualifiers in describing some things. I know that sounds like "umm…what" but I’ll give you an example:
"May possibly look at the use of complementary practises as they have been shown to be beneficial in assisting the reduction of stress…"
"May possibly" is redundant. You only need to use "May" or "possibly" but not both.
you can drop the word "been" and the words "in assisting the" and change reduction to "reducing"
I think this is what your paragraph should look like.
May look at the use of complementary practices as they have been shown to be beneficial in reducing stress. Students from the local college have expressed an interest in practicing aromatherapy massage on volunteers to gain experience for themselves. Surely, this is a win-win scenario as such co-ordination would come with a remit of the post.(not sure what a remit of the post is, you may want to be sure that is clarified better) Complementary alternative therapies are rarely regarded as having a role in therapeutic healthcare environments but, as people become exposed to them, they may regard them as beneficial to their well-being and contributing to increased health "
Sean
November 1, 2009 at 2:26 pm
The first thing I notice are run-on sentences. I also see misuse of basic punctuation (periods and commas). Each of these will result in a clumsy style. Try reading your work aloud and hearing whether or not it flows smoothly. Another thing is to underline your sentences in alternating colors (a light and a dark color) and you will be able to see if you have a variety of sentence lengths. This helps in flow. Too many short sentences and the style is choppy. Too many long sentences and your reader will get lost (which is what I also noticed from your sample). A short sentence can break the monotony, and a long sentence can provide some style providing it is clearly written.
Hope this helps,
Sean
References :
Heaven Forbid
November 1, 2009 at 3:08 pm
make your sentences shorter so it doesn’t get too complicated. that way it doesn’t slow down someone’s reading speed
more punctuation as well – not just . and , but ‘ () ; : – etc
:]
References :
Thrill K
November 1, 2009 at 3:24 pm
Your sentence structure isn’t consistent, and you use to many qualifiers in describing some things. I know that sounds like "umm…what" but I’ll give you an example:
"May possibly look at the use of complementary practises as they have been shown to be beneficial in assisting the reduction of stress…"
"May possibly" is redundant. You only need to use "May" or "possibly" but not both.
you can drop the word "been" and the words "in assisting the" and change reduction to "reducing"
I think this is what your paragraph should look like.
May look at the use of complementary practices as they have been shown to be beneficial in reducing stress. Students from the local college have expressed an interest in practicing aromatherapy massage on volunteers to gain experience for themselves. Surely, this is a win-win scenario as such co-ordination would come with a remit of the post.(not sure what a remit of the post is, you may want to be sure that is clarified better) Complementary alternative therapies are rarely regarded as having a role in therapeutic healthcare environments but, as people become exposed to them, they may regard them as beneficial to their well-being and contributing to increased health "
References :